forgiveness

I was ready for the fight but not ready for it to take place over the internet. He denied everything and refused to apologize and for the second night in a row I went to bed angry. Thumbing through my Rosary, my mind snagged on the line "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." How could I be forgiven for anything if I wasn't willing to forgive him?

In my head I played out a scene where I yell at him and everybody hears and says "look, dude, she's right." I interrupted it with panicked pleas to Christ to help me forgive him and my mind wandered back to yelling at him. I interrupted it with desperate cries to St. Michael to defend me and my mind wandered back to yelling at him. I was already exhausted when I went to bed and I had no energy for this battle. I was awake far later than I had intended.

I woke up in the morning and opened my Bible and there was Matthew 18.

I fought on the walk to Mass. I fought during Mass. I fought when everyone else got up to receive the Eucharist. And I knew there were thousands of people fighting for me.

I knew where to find him, and I waited there for him. I prayed that I would say the right things and that the wrong things would slip my mind. I prayed that his mind would be open and that he would hear what he needed to hear. I felt a fear crawl up and fidget inside my stomach. I recognized the fear: I must be doing the right thing.

I waited.

He came. He saw me. I apologized.

I told him I shouldn't have gotten into that kind of discussion over the internet. I don't think I said anything that wasn't true, but I wouldn't have said it as harshly had I said it in person. I spoke quietly.

He calmly denied everything I had accused him of.

The silence was awkward. After a minute, he disappeared, I think to the bathroom. I picked up my books and left. Once the adrenaline wore off and I was safely out of his sight, I felt my heart shine. Dance. Glow. Sing. Burst.

I had forgiven him.

I tossed my books on a table and ran outside, laughing. I climbed a tree. Giddy. I called Seth and left him a message.

"Seth, I forgave him, I forgave him. He's still an idiot but it's okay because I forgave him. God is wonderful and so are all the saints and thank you for praying for me."