prayers for finals week

From St. Thomas Aquinas, a noble, dedicated, hardworking student:

Creator of all things,
true source of light and wisdom,
origin of all being,
graciously let a ray of your light penetrate
the darkness of my understanding.

Take from me the double darkness
in which I have been born,
an obscurity of sin and ignorance.

Give me a keen understanding,
a retentive memory, and
the ability to grasp things
correctly and fundamentally.

Grant me the talent
of being exact in my explanations
and the ability to express myself
with thoroughness and charm.

Point out the beginning,
direct the progress,
and help in the completion.

I ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.


From St. Joseph of Cupertino, friend of those who don't or can't study:

O Great St. Joseph of Cupertino who while on earth did obtain from God the grace to be asked at your examination only the questions you knew, obtain for me a like favour in the examinations for which I am now preparing. In return I promise to make you known and cause you to be invoked.

Through Christ our Lord.

St. Joseph of Cupertino, Pray for us.

Amen.

a week and a half

Sr. Mary Ann: "Tonight when you're in the chapel, ask Him how much He loves you."

Jesus: "Do not be afraid of what I will show you tonight, for it will set you free."

Mary: "How much do you love me? My brain knows. Tell my heart."

Dream: I gave [G] a hug and said "Thank you for being such a good friend."

Morning: Swollen jaw, bloody nose.

Afternoon: Plans for health center Monday morning.

Monday-Wednesday: Afraid. Exhausted. [G] takes care of me and doesn't take advantage of my weakness.

Wednesday: Home. Afraid. Collegian.

Mary: "If I fall, will you catch me?"

[G]: "Look to Christ. I can't catch you every time. He can."

Mary: "I know he will always catch me. But he can use your arms, if you let him."

Thursday: Surgery. Sedatives.

Friday: Post-op. Toga. Hugs. Antibiotics.

Weekend: Walk. Speak. Listen. Shoulders touching. Humility. Tears.

Monday: Love. Gaping humility. Decision. Poignant peace.

Tuesday: Coffee shop. Collegian party. Physics lab. Pizza.

Mary: "I think I was mad at you for a long time."

[J]: "Yeah, I think I was mad at you, too."

Tuesday: Forgiveness.

Mary: "Can I tell you how we got the water filter?"

[J]: "I think [G]'s on the straight and narrow."

Wednesday: The head realized what the heart knew all along.


"How much do you love me?" I asked Him. "Tell my heart."

Soul emptied with gaping humility, replete now with love.

I have [G], and my gut is satisfied, not nagging at me anymore. And I got [J] back. And I can love wildly without reservation. Crazy men, strong men, wild men, good men, and my soul overflows with love for them both.

"Tell my heart," I told Him, and He filled me till I overflowed.

crazy days

Things I've learned since last weekend (this includes the retreat and the jaw infection):

• "How am I going to find you a husband if you're going to spend all your time running away from convents?"
• Do not be afraid! It might not even be scary, and whether it is or not, He is with you always.
• If you cannot love or cannot express your love, ask God how much he loves you and allow him to answer. When you are full of his love, you can overflow onto other people.
• [G] is a really good friend, and I've greatly underestimated his loyalty.
• Your body has plenty of ways other than physical pain to tell you to slow down. Physical, mental and social exhaustion are three of them.
• When everyone else is telling you that you look like a dead rat and you should skip classes and go to sleep, that is not the time to be tough. Sometimes you actually are weak.
• Darby is a really good friend, and I haven't known her long enough to underestimate her (I don't think).
• My antipathy toward pharmaceuticals is rooted in a need for control, and I need to give up that control sometimes. Not do heroin, but just take the dang antibiotics.
• I need to be willing to give up anything if Christ asks. Including friends. The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away: blessed be the name of the Lord! Parents, when they send their children off into the world, give back to God what God has given them. I can do the same with my departing friends. Let them go, and if God wills it, he will give them back to me.
• I can decline agricola and pray multilingually while sedated.
• God's love is like the crazy powerful ocean, and we're all just little Dutch boys with our fingers in the wall, afraid to let him in. Because we know that his love is a crashing, powerful surf that will sweep us off our feet and send us somewhere we don't know. And we'll have to change. But we have to trust him and let his love flood us: otherwise we can't let it overflow into other people.
• If you're afraid, look satan straight in the eye and ask him what, specifically, you're afraid of. He probably won't have an answer. Call on St. Michael and tell satan to f--- off and you'll be fine.
• Play fighting is an expression of love, probably because we're all afraid to tell someone directly how much we love them.
• I might not have had as much pride as I'd thought resting on that prank. Maybe it was an elaborate expression of love. And maybe it was my heart, not my pride, that was angry when the whole thing was ignored.
• "Mary, I see how you work. You're more complex than that. You're not that simple."
• Everyone is shy. Everyone is afraid. No one knows what it's like to be the bad man behind blue eyes, but we all know what it's like. The only remedy is Christ's love.
• It all hinges on love. Everything.
• [G] is a much stronger, more mature man than I gave him credit for.
• We are all called to holiness, but we aren't all called to famous holiness.
• Empty antibiotic capsules are fun to play with.
• There are real deer, deer that run away from you when you're on the other side of the field, in Hillsdale County.
• Christ has no body now but yours, and when I fall, he can use your arms to catch me if you let him. And if he is giving me your arms, I should let him.
• "Why are you running away from men? You are running away from me."
• Any love I give anyone is merely His love. I am a pitcher of water. If I let him fill me up, then I will overflow and spill onto everyone else. I can't love on my own, but I can be a window showing His love. Let my soul magnify the Lord!
• Other people are windows, too, and I need to let them love me.
• It's all about love. Everything.

I have a theory that the most important things I'll learn in college are not academic things. Well look at that. I went to one class all week and look what I learned.

eithe, ei gar (yap)

I wish I wasn't afraid to tell people how much I love them.

I guess I just expect people to know. And when they say something funny I'll say "I love you" but that really only means "you just made me laugh." It's an outlet, though. It's like poking a hole in the wall around my heart, letting some of the water out but not letting all of it flow. But the little Holland boy comes running.

Sometimes I see you leave the table and I want to run over and hug you, but I don't because you'll get annoyed and won't hug me back.

Sometimes you ask why I want to walk with you and I want to say because I love you and I want to spend time with you, but I don't because you will run away.

Sometimes I ask "how are you?" and all you say is "fine" because you have no idea how badly I want to know.

Sometimes we're leaving and I hug you but not as close as I want to. And I don't know why. I'm afraid.

I don't love you for what you do. I don't love you because you listen to me or make hats for me or throw me to the ground or believe in God or enjoy Latin or make jokes or help me with chemistry. I love you because you are made in the image and likeness of God, because you are good and nothing can change that.

But I'm afraid to tell you. All of you.

I'm afraid because somewhere inside me I know that I love some people more than others and I know I ought to love everyone equally. And if I tell you how much I love you, you'll know the extent of my love. And it's nowhere near where it should be.

I'm afraid because my actions won't follow through. I can, for the most part, make my actions follow through with how much I say I love you. But I'm not strong enough to love consistently. If I say I love you twice as much, my actions ought to reflect that, but I know they won't.

I LOVE YOU.

Christus resurrexit!

My Eastern friends (Catholic and Orthodox) don't celebrate the resurrection for another week. I've heard a couple jabs from them about why the Western calendar is wrong, and I don't really know how or who worked out the calendars, but I think it's interesting that the Son rises in the West before he Rises in the East. Hooray for semantic fun.

This went through my mind tonight:

With pretty much every one I know, especially people I know well, at least once I've felt that love so strongly that I was convinced I'd be utterly willing to die for them.

Then something happens and I find out I'm not willing to do smaller things for them. My emotions go reeling and I am ashamed.

It's a painful reminder that as much as I think I love, I don't love strongly enough. As much as I think I'd die for someone, I don't actually know, and I won't actually know until/unless the situation comes up.

You? I love you. My heart is weak, though, and I fail often. But I'm not letting it stay that way. I can do all things--even love--through Christ who strengthens me.

Who strengthens my heart.

Solemn Reproaches

O my people, O my church, what have I done to you,
or in what have I offended you?
Answer me!

I led you forth from the land of Egypt
and delivered you by the waters of baptism,
but you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

I led you through the desert forty years and fed you with manna.
I brought you through tribulation and penitence
and gave you my body, the bread of heaven,
but you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

What more could I have done for you that I have not done?

I planted you, my chosen and fairest vineyard,
I made you the branches of my vine;
but when I was thirsty, you gave me vinegar to drink
and pierced with a spear the side of your Savior,
and you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

I went before you in a pillar of cloud,
and you have led me to the judgment hall of Pilate.
I scourged your enemies and brought you to a land of freedom,
but you have scourged, mocked, and beaten me.
I gave you the water of salvation from the rock,
but you have given me gall and left me to thirst,
and you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

I gave you a royal scepter,
and bestowed the keys of the kingdom,
but you have given me a crown of thorns.
I raised you on high with great power,
but you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

My peace I gave, which the world cannot give,
and washed your feet as a sign of my love,
but you draw the sword to strike in my name
and seek high places in my kingdom.
I offered you my body and blood,
but you scatter and deny and abandon me,
and you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

I sent the Spirit of truth to guide you,
and you close your hearts to the Counselor.
I pray that all may be one in the Father and me,
but you continue to quarrel and divide.
I call you to go and bring forth fruit,
but you cast lots for my clothing,
and you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

I grafted you into the tree of my chosen Israel,
and you turned on them with persecution and mass murder.
I made you joint heirs with them of my covenants,
but you made them scapegoats for your own guilt,
and you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

I came to you as the least of your brothers and sisters;
I was hungry and you gave me no food,
I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
I was a stranger and you did not welcome me,
naked and you did not clothe me,
sick and in prison and you did not visit me,
and you have prepared a cross for your Savior.

Holy, holy, holy God, holy almighty God, holy, holy almighty God, have mercy upon us!

Litany of Humility

The first time I saw this, it was taped to the inside of the dorm-room door when I stayed overnight in Steubenville. My gut twanged in a way that told me this would be good for me. I'm still bad at it, but this is Triduum, a good time to get back to work.

A non-Christian friend once told me this sounded too extreme, and perhaps it does. But read it carefully. We aren't asking to be free from esteem but from the desire for esteem.


[by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope St. Pius X]


O Jesus! meek and humble of heart,
Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,
Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I,
provided that I may become as holy as I should,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

clumsy evening

Dear Mom,

Monday nights I set up for Mass, and I never know what the room will look like before I get to work. Today there were six round tables, each one roughly my weight, scattered around the room and surrouneded by chairs. They had to go.

I was strong enough to move them, but not strong enough to move them gracefully. I kicked in the legs and rolled the tables to the room's perimeter, leaning them against the walls in pairs: two on the back wall, leg-side-out; two on the side wall, both sets of legs between the two tabletops; one right next to these on the side wall, legs out; one more on its way.

I kicked in the last set of legs and rolled the table over, putting the legs toward the side wall so they'd meet up with the other table's legs.

If I succeeded, you could look at the wall and see two round tabletops sitting right next to each other, and there would be two round tabletops sitting right next to each other, leaning against the wall. Two pairs of tables, two leg-sandwiches. Theoretically. One more table to put in place.

The legs caught. I rolled the table back and forth, trying to untangle them, but it slid between the neighboring table-pair and the wall. The neighboring table-pair fell and knocked into the lectern (just for you, Dad), which cleared the rectangle altar-to-be table by about an inch.

I asked Jordan to give me a hand; he said he could in about 10 minutes. I saw Garrett who'd come up the hill to make a phone call, so I asked him to help. The furniture was almost entirely in order by the time Jordan got there.

I went to the chapel cupboard to get the cruets (little glass pitchers). I poured some wine into one and some wine onto the floor. Fortunately the chapel carpet is red.

Later I reached up to get the lectionary (big book of scripture readings) and sacramentary (small book of prayers), which were stacked on a shelf that is above my head, but on a normal day is well within my reach. I pulled on the lectionary, but I must have tilted it too far because the sacramentary slid off. It was about to come crashing down when I saved it with a quick elbow motion, pinning it between my arm and the wall.

So you know I asked for help.

Love,

Mary

NB

I learned something on Saturday.

If your arms are not strong enough to lift it, if it's an awkward position and you can't get your knees and hips under it, if you know you're going to pull a muscle in your back, don't lift it.

Fortunately I've only learned this twice this (academic) year.