success, gratia Dei

I'm not sure if these people really want their names used, so I'm going to encode them. If they want to disclose their identity, they are welcome to do so.

My quest: to figure out how to be a good woman. to figure out what it means to be a good woman. to figure out what femininity is.

C&A kept telling me if I want to figure it out, I have to talk to women about it. He kept getting frustrated, because I kept asking him and probably wasn't listening nearly as well as I thought I was. I told him I didn't really have any woman friends I could really talk to about this because it was so much easier to hang out with guys, so that's what I did mostly. He pointed me to X, and told me I should talk to her. She, he said, understood femininity very well.

I don't know what it was, but there was a barrier. I couldn't talk to X without cringing and feeling like a failure. I kept trying, and C&A couldn't understand what the barrier was. And I couldn't explain it to him, because I didn't understand it either.

BYM and I would talk at length about masculinity and femininity. I learned more from these discussions than anywhere else, as far as I know. We'd discuss things like: I love football and I want to be strong; can I be feminine and still do that? Do I have to sew and crochet and enjoy shopping in order to be feminine? And we would conclude things like: men who lift weights every day because they have to prove their manliness seem like wusses compared to men who are confident in their manliness but maybe not as physically strong. Similarly, women who smear on layers of makeup in order to be beautiful seem ugly compared to women who are confident in their own beauty but maybe not as beautiful.

I told BYM that I predicted X and JF would be the next couple, but he wasn't so sure.

He said she was taking on the role of little sister because that's what JF needed.

C&A pursued her quite a bit last year--it was kind of obvious even if I hadn't overheard what I did. Someone described her as "darn careful." They didn't date, as far as I know.

I went to dinner and watched people, including X, JF, and one or two dating couples. Something clicked. I went to adoration at St. Anthony's after dinner and started writing. About 7:30, something else clicked.

It really is an issue of confidence, but it isn't self-confidence.

BYM was right: if you're going to be fully masculine or fully feminine, you kind of have to let it happen accidentally. And if you're confident, you aren't going to be artificially manipulating your behavior.

C&A found X so completely feminine because she had this confidence. I wouldn't call it confidence, though--it's very gentle. Not wishy-washy, though. And not necessarily quiet, but definitely not obnoxious.

I can't see her fighting. I can't see her cowering. If she were attacked, I don't know what she'd do. I can't see her afraid. She'd probably try to get away as best she could, but she'd probably be killed. And if she weren't, she'd go back and make sure the guy who attacked her is okay. She wouldn't have to forgive him because she wouldn't be offended.

I remember when I was little (you hush. I've grown some.), my mom told me that God is King and Father. I remember doing the math in my head, and when I had it all sorted out, I asked her if that made me a princess. And she said yes. I was utterly delighted.

But it's something I've forgotten.

MC tells me about CM, a girl who drops her 5-inch skirt any chance she gets. MC tells me she keeps asking him to come see her, but he doesn't want to go. She'll ploy him into having sex with her, and he wants to date a girl who will at least make him work to have sex with her. I had no problem identifying and explaining the problem. CM had no self-confidence, or anyway very little. Women want to be pursued, but she didn't think she was worth pursuing or didn't think any man would pursue her. So she gave up the chase and let herself be caught--and if no one would catch her, she would jump into their hands and hold on with the grip as strong as a two-year-old's.

I think I did the same thing with MCS last year, though not to the same extent. I was boyfriend-hunting, to an extent, though not entirely consciously. Part of it was that I was pretty sure I had a religious vocation but priests kept telling me to date, so I figured I'd have a boyfriend in college then after I graduate go find an order. (Fr. Bob always tells me that the best way to make God laugh is to make plans.) Part of it is something I think all, or anyway most, freshmen go through: you're thrown into a huge group of people you've never met, and maybe one of them...

But I wanted to be pursued, and I was afraid that I wouldn't be. And how do you "be pursued" anyway? You don't do anything. So I made it easy. And I ignored red flags and made it too easy. The whole thing was entirely chaste, physically speaking: there was no sex, there was no uncovering or touching certain body parts. But I got him to ask me out.

X didn't do that. Here's the thing about her: she has her focus right. She knows she's a princess, knows she's loved utterly and completely by God, knows she's totally captivating, knows she's beautiful. She knows it as well as she knows that her shoes are on the right feet--she doesn't have to think about it.

That's what it means to be feminine.

To know that you're a princess. That you're totally captivating. That you're loved, fully, completely, unconditionally. To know that He will chase after you as long as you keep running, and when He catches you He will never let you go. To know that you are totally and completely safe with Him.

To know it the same way that you know to put toothpaste on your toothbrush before you stick it in your mouth. To know it better than the back of your hand. To know it so well you don't have to think about it. To know it so well that it doesn't bother you that other people do it well--that maybe it bothers you that other people don't know it well and you want to show them.

To keep your focus on Him because He will never fail you. Will never betray your trust. Will never lose strength. Will always defend and protect you. Will always find you completely beautiful. Will always find you captivating. Will always pursue you. Will never let you go.

Will set you free.

[addendum]