what I learned over break

Jon says I make too many lists.

I forgot I was going to post this - stumbled across it the other day.

• when the hammer slams onto the left side of the lid of the can of polyurethane, the right side of the lid pops up
• polyurethane leaks through cardboard
• nail polish remover and a knife will get most of the polyurethane off the table
• polyurethane obeys the laws of gravity and will be thicker on one side if it's not on a level surface
• it's higher, not lower, on the side the little bubble is on
• if you want the little bubble to go to the middle, put something under the side the little bubble is not on. i think. wait... yeah, that's right
• if the floor is more level than the table and you want the polyurethane to be even, put the piece of wood on the floor, not the table.
• if you put the piece of wood on the floor, it's a good idea to put it in a place where it's not likely to be walked on, e.g., under a desk.
• if the area under the desk is not well-lit, the lamp on top of the desk can be moved under the desk to light up the area under the desk.
• if the lamp is not giving off enough light, the lampshade can be adjusted.
• if the lampshade is resting directly on the lightbulb and you smell something that isn't polyurethane, the lampshade might have a permanent scald mark.
• permanent scald marks can be hidden by turning the lampshade 180 degrees and not telling your mother.
• paint thinner will not ruin jeans, but asking ahead of time was a good idea. a better idea would be not to kneel on the polyurethane in the first place
• when someone tells you to wash the paintbrushes out with paint thinner, they mean to rinse them with paint thinner then rinse them with water, not leave them to soak in the paint thinner for several days
• when you take out the insignia red enamel paint and your dad tells you “be careful,” he doesn’t mean “it won’t come out of your clothing” but “water doesn’t get enamel paint out of anything”
• insignia red enamel paint does indeed come out of the kitchen sink, but I don’t have any idea how.
• “peerless” means “without a peer,” as in, “without equal.” if a pig is called a “peerless sow,” it is less embarrassing to look in the dictionary than to ask your friend who loves his pigs. in fact it will probably be more efficient to look in the dictionary, because your pig-farmer friend will probably assume that “sow” is the part you don’t understand, when of course you do know what a sow is, but don’t know what peerless means.
• JB Weld lasts about six months.
• when you get ridiculous amounts of snow, then a bunch of rain that melts the snow, running in the rain and mist of evaporating snow feels like drowning. treadmills are still worse.
• you don't need to drink to be just as merry as everyone else
• everyone needs to dance