the desires of your heart

What is the deepest desire of my heart?

I desire lots of things: a backpacking trip up north, a Newberry medal, a copy of Escanaba in da Moonlight, incense, a back rub, to hear Seth laugh, to do something heroic, fluency in Croatian, patience, long hair, clothing that doesn't make me look lopsided (or maybe not to be lopsided), strength, friends, to get rid of that stupid turtle tile that nobody wants, men, wool socks, to go climbing, a Mary Poppins bag, flannel sheets, chocolate chip cookies, for the people I love to be happy.

But what desire is deepest?

I desire a man who can stand up for me, one who has the strength and courage to fight for me when it really matters. A man I can trust completely with everything. A man whose manliness and masculinity are ingrained in him enough that he doesn't have to prove anything (kind of like how my ability to brush my teeth is so ingrained that I don't even have to think about it; it's just there and I don't feel any need to show it off, but I also know that it's very important). A man who is strong in every way -- physically, emotionally, character-ly, etc. A man who is neither violent nor passive. A man who is completely honest about everything. A man who listens to me and processes what I say, who notices when I'm feeling glum even if I don't say anything about it, a man who doesn't just pretend to listen. A man who isn't just looking for sex and doesn't try to sweet-talk me into anything. A man who has common sense and a good head on his shoulders. A man who treats everyone well, not just the girl he wants to date. A man who is strong, courageous, and confident. A man who keeps me safe from any real danger but knows that I'm not a teacup and I'm not going to shatter if I catch a football. A man who loves me unconditionally and is willing to die if that's what it takes to keep me safe. A man who can distinguish between who I am and what I do, who, when I apologize, can say "you were wrong, and you hurt me deeply, but I love you and I want you so I will forgive you."

My deepest desire is for Jesus. Read that paragraph again: is there anyone else who fits that? All men are like that to some degree, but I want a man who is like that entirely. Any guy I date better be pretty dang close, and the man I marry will be pretty dang close. But the only man who is like that entirely is Jesus, so my deepest desire must be for him.

It's true, but I don't think anyone ever taught me that. I was taught to follow Jesus and to obey him. To love God with all my heart, mind, soul, etc., to love my neighbor as myself, to obey my parents in the Lord for this is right, not to steal, not to lie (for satan is the father of lies), to pray to our Father who art in heaven that he will lead me away from temtation and deliver me from evil, to respect and obey the authority he gave to Peter and his successors. I was taught to follow Jesus, but nobody ever taught me that this was the deepest desire of my heart. I looked into my heart and found this to be true.

As long as I stay grounded in him, I will be fulfilled. "He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him," he said (John 6:56). How can I be any more fulfilled than to abide in Christ and to have him abide in me? God is inside me--that's pretty dang full.

And pretty dang free. He doesn't make up rules to put us in a box. The rules are for our own safety. If you tear down the railing you have to worry about falling over the edge and dying; if you put up a railing you can dance to your heart's content.

When people focus on "what do I want?" they turn into Hitler, Mussolini, Slobodon Milosevic, Stalin, Nero, Saddam Hussein, Merckle--and really, don't they all look pretty much the same? "I'm going to do everything to get what I want--kill people if I have to, make gobs of money if I have to. People will get upset and kill me, else I'll realize that it's all futile anyway and I'll take care of it myself."

When people focus on "what does God want?" they have the freedom to be themselves. Look at the saints. Thomas More, Lord Chancellor of England and friend of the king. Francis of Assisi, who gave up his wealth and founded a religious order. Joan of Arc, war hero. Monica, nagging mother. Thomas Aquinas, genius scholar. Teresa of Avila, mystic. Therese of Lisiux, suffering Carmelite. Isaac Jogues, who went overseas at least twice and was tortured a couple times. Isidore, farmer. Elizabeth Ann Seton, teacher, founded parochial school system in America. They aren't saints because of their intelligence or poverty or virginity or because they founded something or other. They're saints because they did what God asked.

When you are rooted in Jesus you have the freedom to be yourself. No one else knows you as well as he does--he made you!--so no one else can really allow you to be yourself the way he can. Fall back on him always. He is the deepest desire of your heart and will take you on the craziest adventures if you let him. You must be ready and willing to let him lead you or you will not be happy.