"I'm more of a shoulders girl myself."

First, I noticed the trash can full of soggy tissues, positioned next to his bed as if he might vomit into it. He sat up a little when I walked into the room and I sat down next to him on the bed. A roll of toilet paper lay on the other side of his pillow.

"What'd you bring?" he asked me.

I placed my palm on his forehead, holding his hair back. He was warm, but I didn't tell him I can't tell the difference between normal body heat and a fever.

"Ibuprofen," I told him and ran my hand through the rest of his hair.

I'd had to ask around to find the ibuprofen. I never have any because I never need any, but people ask me for it quite a bit and I'd like to be able to give them some. Maybe I should just buy a bottle next time I'm in town.

Another gut reaction surprised me. A few hours earlier, he told me he was sick and I felt that same protective instinct toward him that I felt toward my sleeping friend just two days ago. I was upset and ready to take the sinus infection from him and spend the day curled up in bed with a headache so he didn't have to.

I've felt this way toward my grandmother before she died, toward my uncle, toward my sisters, toward my family in general, but I want to know why I didn't have this gut reaction when the plague swept through my hall. Maybe because there were enough women-friends and boyfriends to take care of everyone and there wasn't much I could do--I don't have any drugs, I can't tell if you have a fever, and maybe it wasn't my place to help. All I have to offer is attention, physical contact, and generic "sleep well stay warm drink lots of water" sort of advice. Why didn't I at least want to help?

The answer to any question about a personality flaw or sinful habit is either "I'm afraid" or "I don't love strongly enough" or both (usually both), so I'm not going to analyze this any more than I have. I'll just take it as another reminder to work on love and courage.


Funny. Today Fr. Iuani's homily was about shouldering burdens for people. That's two homilies in a row that have been about what was already on my mind.