I had a package to mail, then I was heading out to Miller Road. I hoped to return with a pair of jeans and a Tekiela book, but also in the back of my mind were hiking shoes, spankies (for skirts at swing dance and worn-through jeans), toothpaste, cough drops, and any sort of food I could bring back to college with me.
I went to the post office and spent about $10 mailing the package, feeling vaguely guilty for mailing it the cheapest way so I'd have more money for clothing. They said 5-10 business days, 5 would be right on time. I went to the bank and deposited a check, and then I was off to Miller Road.
First stop: Target. I browsed the clearance racks first, then the regular racks. I found a few pairs of jeans that might fit, checked the prices, put a few back, and walked into the fitting room.
How I envy men and their easy-to-use sizing system! Women's clothing is sized in an utterly arbitrary fashion, probably designed to assure us that we're not fat. In addition to this, we're all shaped in frustratingly unique ways and we all have different ideas on beauty and modesty. The fitting room is one of the most frustrating place in the world. You start with a simple question: do the pants fit? And the answer is ridiculously complicated. I tried to map it out in an easy-to-use flowchart, but I gave up. Try this:
Question 1: Do the pants fit?
++If you answered NO, try a different pair and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered YES, you are a liar.
++If you answered MAYBE, go on to Question 2.
Question 2: How do they fit around the waist?
++If you answered WAY TOO TIGHT, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered WAY TOO LOOSE, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered JUST RIGHT, you are a liar.
++If you answered SORTA TIGHT, remember that jeans stretch out after a while and go on to Question 3.
++If you answered SORTA LOOSE, remember that you can always wear a belt and go on to Question 3.
Question 3: How long are they?
++If you answered WAY TOO LONG, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered WAY TOO SHORT, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered JUST RIGHT, you are a liar.
++If you answered SORTA SHORT, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered SORTA LONG, remember that you can hem them and go on to Question 4.
Question 4: How do they fit around your butt and thighs?
++If you answered PRETTY SURE THESE ARE GUY JEANS, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered MY BUTT GOT SWALLOWED UP BY A DENIM BLUE WHALE, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered THIS WOULD DISTRACT EVEN THE MOST CHASTE MEN, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered I CAN COUNT THE CHANGE IN MY POCKET BY TWISTING AROUND AND LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, try a larger or smaller size and go back to Question 1.
++If you answered JUST RIGHT, you are a liar.
Question 5: Do you like them?
++If you answered THEY'LL DO, then go pay for them and leave the store before you get distracted elsewhere.
++If you answered YES, you are a liar.
++If you answered NO, then try on a shirt that you already know will look good. This will make you feel a little better about the jeans. Then go pay for the jeans, because you've already spent three hours at this store and there's no sense in spending another three hours elsewhere.
I tried on a handful of jeans at Target, but didn't find anything. Fashion Bug was a couple stores down, and I figured why not try my luck there? I parked and got out of the car.
Fashion Bug tried to get around this problem with their Right Fit revolution. "Try on a revolution,” the sign said. “What is RIGHT FIT? It’s the revolutionary result of the most extensive fit study in 60 years. Our unique fit and sizing system is based on 3 different body shapes: straight, moderately curvy and curvy. Resized with Right Fit technology, L.A. Blues jeans and Studio 1940 dress pants are now available in plus and misses Right Fit sizes.”
Right Fit was color-coded. There were signs on the walls and tags on the clothing. I perused them eagerly, hoping to cut down on fitting-room time. The signs read:
Do your current pants or jeans:
fit your waist, but are baggy? fit your hips/thighs, but have to be unbuttoned? Try RIGHT FIT YELLOW.
fit at the waist? but are slightly big in the thighs and hips? Try RIGHT FIT RED.
have to be cinched at the waist? or have a gap at the back? Try RIGHT FIT BLUE.
Already I don't fit! I needed Right Fit Green. Sometimes I feel like unbuttoning my jeans, but I have to tie them up and at least two people have made fun of me for the gap in the back. I picked up two pairs, a blue and a yellow, in size 2 and walked to the fitting room.
I swam. For good measure, I put both my legs into the right leg of the blue pair, and hopped around until I saw a mermaid in the mirror. While I pulled my own jeans back on, I glanced at the tag.
Size 5.
Turned out I'd been browsing the plus sizes without realizing it, so I tried the other side of the store. Two full racks of clearance jeans, about $15 per pair, and in all three Right Fit colors! I picked up three, the smallest size I could find in each color, and tried them on.
Yellow 4M: baggy, but waist and length were good.
Blue 6M: I'd wear these advertising a weight-loss product.
Red 4MP: tight around the waist, baggy elsewhere.
"Did you find what you needed?" asked the clerk.
"No," I told her, "but I know where to look now." I put the jeans on the rejection rack and went back to clearance.
Blue 3M: waist was good, but baggy enough to look like guy jeans.
Yellow 3M: I had to suck in my gut to get these on, but I got them buttoned. I could barely move.
The clerk saw me add more jeans to the rejection rack, and she asked if she could help. I told her specifically what the problems were with the jeans, and she told me to try size 3 red.
Red 3M: too tight at the waist, a little baggy but they're clearly girl jeans
I told the clerk what happened and she suggested trying yellow.
"What size?" I asked her. "Yellow 4 was too baggy and I could barely squeeze into Yellow 3."
She tried to convince me that the red ones would stretch out at the waist, but I didn't want to try my luck. I wasn't Straight, Moderately Curvy, or Curvy, so it was time to move on.
Old Navy?
It was the next clothing store in the plaza. I usually don't like to pay Old Navy prices, but I've had some luck with their clearance racks before, so I decided to give it a try.
What luck! Jeans for $15 on the clearance racks! I took four pair, two size 0 and two size 2, into the fitting room.
Size 0 sort of fit, but were ugly.
Size 2 sort of fit, but were ugly.
Size 0 was way too tight.
Size 2 was way too tight.
I tried on almost a dozen pair, almost the entire S/XS clearance rack, and finally found two pairs of pants that I liked. They weren't jeans, but they were good pants that I wouldn't mind getting grass stains on. I hung up the jeans and empty hangers on the rejection rack and carried the pants to the checkout counter, walking past $30 and $40 jeans. I'd found two pairs of pants for less than $30 total.
Hard work pays off.
Next stop, Borders. I found the Tekiela book, remembered the Amazon.com price, and bought the book because it was cheaper in the store. Ten minutes.
Sports Authority was right next door. I didn't want to spend any more time shopping, but they might have spankies. I walked in the door.
Shoes on clearance!
Well, they were all to big for me, but I went over to the regular shoe aisle. An employee was on me like a dog to dropped food. "Can I help you find anything?"
"I need something waterproof and good for backpacking."
I liked the $70 shoes and almost bought them, but then I saw a $55 pair marked down to $29. He found a smaller pair for me and they fit well. Also, if anything went wrong in the first year, including normal wear--soles coming loose, stitches coming out, color fading, etc.--they'd pay for it or replace the shoe.
He brought the shoes up to the counter while I hunted after spankies. I found some, they fit, and I brought them up to the counter.
I didn't realize I had to pay extra for the shoe-insurance. I asked how much it cost.
$4.99, she said.
"How much are the shoes?"
She beeped it with the red laser.
"It ain't even worth it," she said, partly to herself. She looked back at the guy who'd helped me find the shoes. "It ain't even worth it," she told him. "The shoes are only $10."
I paid for them and drove home in the clunky light-blue Olds.
Mission accomplished.
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